RESPOND 2 Mr. Vandernoot's action [Archive]

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:00 AM

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:09 AM

Q: How do you turn an elephant into a cherry tree?
A: You paint his balls red.

Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:18 AM

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:22 AM

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:30 AM

Why are men like laxatives?

Because they irritate the crap out of you!

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:32 AM

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:35 AM

What is a 6.9?

A 69 interupted by a period.

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:37 AM

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:38 AM

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts!

illvox2

12-03-2004, 02:39 AM

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

sppower

12-03-2004, 02:58 PM

I will sum up my thoughts:

sppower

12-03-2004, 02:58 PM

sppower

12-03-2004, 02:59 PM

sppower

12-03-2004, 03:00 PM

yamis

12-03-2004, 05:51 PM

oh-ho-ho, its on now boize!

yamis

12-03-2004, 05:56 PM

Law I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. However, he will not necessarily fall immediately. He may be given the chance to run (on air) back toward the precipice before he begins to accelerate downwards. He usually cannot run fast enough, and starts to fall JUST before his arms can reach the edge.
Nor does he necesarily always accelerate at 32 feet per second per second, but often reaches a high velocity instantaneously. Also, this high velocity causes tidal forces such that his arm stretches (while the rest of him falls) long enough to wave bye-bye.
Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outside boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Law IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down 20 flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, thus the attempt to capture it will be inevitably unsuccessful.
Law V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. A character's feet when running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Law VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. Only at manic high speeds, the wacky guy may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Law VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted as tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Corollary: Portable holes work.
Law VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats posses even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Law IX: Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Law X: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

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Amendments to the Laws
A) A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
B) The laws of object permanence are nullified for cool characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
C) Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn the character black and smoky. It appears that the clothing of the character absorbs the full force of the explosion, protecting the body inside. This results in shredding and tearing of the character's clothing.
D) Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time it strikes the ground.
E) Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tension involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to physic forces generated by feeling of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law) who are able to used said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
F) Any bag, sack, purse, etc. possessed by a cool character is a tesseract.

Any number of objects of any size may be placed in it or removed from it with no change in its outer dimensions.
G) Characters can spin around and change into any set of clothes appropriate to the situation.

H) Rabbits can dig a burrow from here to there in less than 20 seconds and emerge spotlessly clean.

I) Movements are accompanied by funny sound effects.

yamis

12-03-2004, 05:57 PM

1. Describe your problem:

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

4. Problem Severity: __A) Minor __B) Minor __C) Minor __D) Trivial

5. Nature of the problem: __A) Locked Up __B) Frozen __C) Hung __D) Shot

Recommended Solutions:
A) Get the key.
B) Take out of the freezer.
C) Cut down.
D) File a police report. Leave me out of it.
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

If your answer to #6 is no and your answer to #7 is yes,
my only question is Why?
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

20. Tell me about your childhood. (Belay that, I could care less.)

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? YES__

yamis

12-03-2004, 05:58 PM

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

yamis

12-03-2004, 05:59 PM

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
. . . . . ."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
. . . . . ."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
. . . . . ."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

yamis

12-03-2004, 05:59 PM

Some useful descriptions of people you may work with (or go to school with) every day - -

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

4. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

5. Bright as Alaska in December.

6. One celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

7. Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.

8. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

9. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

11. He's so dense, light bends around him.

12. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

14. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

15. It's hard to believe that he beat 3,000,000 other sperm.

16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

17. Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

18. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

19. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

20. Room temperature IQ.

21. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

22. Fell out of the family tree.

23. One neuron short of a synapse.

24. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

25. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:00 PM

1950, the old math...

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?

1960, the old math wanes...

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

1970, the new math...

A logger exhanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C" of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of "M", and answer the following question What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

1980, leveling the playing field...

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

1990, outcome-based education...

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of the this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

1997, profit-driven education...

By laying off 40% of the its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because Republicans feel this encourages investment.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:01 PM

A Post-Advanced Placement Chemistry Examination
"It's what you learn after you know everything that's important."
Adapted from Chemistry, Volume 65, Number 6. April 1972, pg. 3
Instructions: Answer all questions. Begin immediately. Time limit: 2 hours.

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History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Chemistry: Reproduce from memory the entire periodic table with all known values of physical constants to the limits of their uncertainties. For each element, discover enough new properties to correspond to each Greek and Arabic letter not in current use as symbols for physical constants. Use your data to formulate a new theory of science.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Cosmology: Define the universe. Give three examples.

Ecology: From readily available starting materials (i.e., "I think, therefore I am," and hydrogen), devise a total synthesis of the planet Earth down to the most subtle chemical detail. Discuss barriers that you would encounter in carrying out this synthesis and how you would overcome these barriers.

Extra Credit: Find the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:04 PM

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.)

Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom ....speed is essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock . locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than hell.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge. But he does smell better?????

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:07 PM

How to give a pill to a cat and a dog
CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:09 PM

See the man. What a funny man. His name is Hamlet. He is a prince. He is sad. Why are you sad, Hamlet?

"I am sad for my father has died" says Hamlet. "My father was the king."

Where are you going, Hamlet?

"I am going to the castle," says Hamlet.

On the way he meets a ghost. "Where are you going?" asks the ghost.

"I am going to the castle." says Hamlet

"Boo, Boo" says the ghost.

"What is you name, you silly ghost?" asks Hamlet clapping his hands.

"I am your father," says the ghost. "I was a good king. Uncle Claudius is a bad king. He gave me poison. Would you like poison?"

"Oh, no," says Hamlet. "I would not like poison."

"Will you avenge me, Hamlet?" says the ghost.

"Oh yes," says Hamlet. "I will avenge you. What fun it will be to avenge you."

On the way he meets a girl.

"Where are you going ?" asks the girl.

"I am going to the castle," says Hamlet.

"Ha, ha," says the girl.

"What is your name?" asks Hamlet.

"My name is Ophelia," says the girl.

"Why are you laughing?" asks Hamlet. "You are a silly goose."

"I laugh because you are so funny," says Ophelia. "I laugh because you are schizophrenic. Are you schizophrenic?"

"I am not schizophrenic," says Hamlet, laughing and clapping his hands.

"I pretended I am a schizophrenic. I pretend, for what to fool my uncle. What fun it is to pretend that I am a schizophrenic."

See Hamlet run. Run, Hamlet, run.

He is going to his mother's room.

"Oh, I have something to tell you mother." says Hamlet. "Uncle Claudius is bad. He gave my father poison. Poison is not good. I do not like poison. Do you like poison?"

"Oh, no indeed!" says his mother. "I do not like poison."

"Oh, there is Uncle Claudius," says Hamlet. "He is hiding behind the curtain. Why is he hiding behind the curtain? I shall stab him. What fun it will be to stab him through the curtain."

See Hamlet draw his sword. See Hamlet stab.

Stab, Hamlet, stab.

See Uncle Claudius's blood gush.

Gush, blood, gush.

See Uncle Claudius fall. How funny he looks, stabbed.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

But it is not Uncle Claudius.

It is Polonius. Polonius is Ophelia's father.

What fun Hamlet is having.

"You are naughty, Hamlet," says Hamlet's mother. "You have stabbed Polonius."

But Hamlet's mother is not cross. She loves Hamlet. He is a good boy.

And Hamlet loves his mother. She is a good mother. Hamlet loves his mother very much.

Hamlet loves his mother very, very much.

Does Hamlet love his mother a little too much?

Perhaps.

See Hamlet run, Run, Hamlet, run.

Where are you going Hamlet?

"I am going to find Uncle Claudius."

On the way he passes a brook. In the brook he sees Ophelia.

Ophelia is drowning.

"Where are you going?" asks the man.

"I am going to find Uncle Claudius."

"Oh ho! I am Laertes," says the man. "Let us draw swords. Let us duel."

"I don't think I'm going to find Uncle Claudius," says Hamlet.

See Hamlet and Laertes duel.

See Hamlet stab Laertes.

See Hamlet's mother drink poison.

See Hamlet stab King Claudius.

See everybody wounded and bleeding and dying and dead.

What fun they are having!

Wouldn't you like to play like that?

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:10 PM

Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:12 PM

1012 microphones = 1 megaphone

106 bicycles = 2 megacycles

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

10¯6 fish = 1 microfiche

454 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1012 pins = 1 terrapin

1021 picolos = 109 los = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

2 wharves = 1 paradox

10¯6 phones = 1 microphone

106 phones = 1 megaphone

10¯2 mental = 1 centimental

10¯1 mate = 1 decimate

1012 bulls = 1 terabull

10¯12 boos = 1 picoboo

10¯15 bismol = 1 femtobismol

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:14 PM

Murphy's Computer Laws

1. No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
2. Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
3. When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
4. Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
5. If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
6. If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
7. No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
8. All components become obsolete.
9. The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
10. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

Murphy's Hardware Laws

1. The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
2. It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.
3. Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.
4. Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.
5. If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.
6. A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Laws on Technology

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
4. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
5. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
6. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
7. The first myth of management is that is exists.
8. A failure will not appear until the unit has passed final inspection.
9. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
10. Some people manage by the book, even they don't know who wrote the book, or even what book.
11. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
12. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
13. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
14. The only perfect science is hindsight.
15. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
16. When all else fails, read the instructions.
17. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
18. When any instrument is dropped, it will roll into the least accessible corner.
19. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
20. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
21. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
22. After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.
23. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
24. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
25. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
26. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:14 PM

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:15 PM

One year, at UCLA these two guys were taking Chemistry and doing pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UC Santa Barbara and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hang overs and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to LA until early Monday morning.

Rather than take the final then, what they did was to find Professor Honk after the final and explain to him why they had missed it. They told him that they went up to UC Santa Barbara for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Honk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Honk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:16 PM

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of ong-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:17 PM

Recently Discovered Elements
Limbaughium, Lb

The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium, Bc

With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium, Eh

Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Newtium, $$

Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium, Vp

Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium, Ps

Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium, Cb

Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium, Pol

Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress, Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot, Sn Bonds forever with corduroy.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:19 PM

ENGINEERS TAKE THE FUN OUT OF CHRISTMAS

There are approximatley two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workland for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 379 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per houshold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the assuming east to the west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat what ever snack that have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evently distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will except for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3, 000 times the speed of sound. For purpose of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than medium sized LEGO set (2 pounds) the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360, 000 reindeer. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54, 000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst in to flames almost instantaneously, exposing the riendeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized in 4.26 thousands of a second, or right about the time that Sant reaches the 5th house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mph in 0.001 seconds, would be a subject to acceleration forces of 17,000 gs. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now . . . (fat bastard).

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:19 PM

1. Exualtion

2. Confusion

3. Disillusionment

4. Search for the Guilty

5. Punish the Innocent

6. Distinction for the Uninvolved

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:20 PM

The Student's Guide to Problem Solving
1. If at all possible, avoid reading the problem. Reading the problem only consumes time and causes confusion.

2. Extract the numbers from the problem in the order in which they appear. Be on the watch for numbers written in words.

3. If rule 2 yields three or more numbers, the best bet for getting the answer is to add them together.

4. If there are only two numbers which are approximately the same size, then subtraction should give the best results.

5. If there are only two numbers in the problem and one is much smaller than the other, then divide if it goes exactly, otherwise multiply.

6. If the problem seems like it calls for a formula, pick a formula that has enough letters to use all the numbers in the problem.

7. If the rules 1 - 6 don't seems to work, make one last desperate attempt. Take the set of numbers found by rule 2 and perform about 2 pages of random operations using these numbers. You should circle about five or six answers on each page just in case one of them happens to be the answer. You might get some partial credit for trying hard.

8. Never, never spend too much time solving problems. This set of rules will get you through even the longest assignments in no more than 10 minutes with very little thinking.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:21 PM

You might be a Redneck Jedi Knight if...

* You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
* At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.
* You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
* You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.
* You ever fell in love with your sister.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:24 PM

this is just an observation i made the other day while in class:

ever notice that when you're in a group of people, and you crack something (knuckles, neck, etc) you always hear at least two other people crack something too?

Aha! i just proved my point. while typing this, i cracked my knuckes. the guy next to me just cracked his.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:27 PM

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.
3) Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong
ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After
awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if
they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exit with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic,
they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut
up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside,ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space."

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:30 PM

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said ... "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat outta hell.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:32 PM

Voodoo Dick!
There was this man who was getting ready to go on a long trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious woman, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her busy and satisfied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too much like another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big f*cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $650 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:33 PM

An old man was sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. When this kid walked by with a roll of chicken wire.

Confused, the old old man said, "Hey there Sonny, whatcha got there?"

The kid replied, "Chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me'self some chickens!"

"Ha! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" the old man said.

"Oh yea!" said the kid, "Well I'll be back in an hour with 50 chickens!"

So the kid walked away, and the old man just chuckled.

One hour later the kid walked pass the old man's place with 50 chickens! The old man was amazed, but he thought it was beginers luck.

The next day the the old man was sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch, when the kid walked by with some rolls of duct tape.

The old man asked, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The kid said, "Duct tape, I'm gonna catch me'self some ducks."

"Ha! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" the old man laughed.

"oh yea!" said the kid, "Well I'll be back in an hour with 50 ducks!"

So the kid walked away, and the old man just chuckled.

One hour later the kid walked by the old man's place with 50 ducks! The old man was amazed, and he thought this kid had some talent.

The next day the old man was sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch, when the kid walked by...

"Whatcha got there today boy?" the old man asked.

"Pussywillow" replied the kid.

"Hold on a sec, let me go get my hat." said the old man.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:35 PM

EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

....why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one.

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:38 PM

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:42 PM

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor
tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently
disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After
weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,
after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew
nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.
At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why
yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very
angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you
have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was
with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was
smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went
ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man
answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young
man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking
ears!"

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:44 PM

A snowboarder at the end of a long Saturday of riding walks into the bar at the base of the mountain and asks the bartender where the bathroom is.
The bartender asked "are you a paying customer?"
"No, I am broke until Monday but I really gotta piss," replied the snowboarder.
The bartender replied " the restroom is only for paying customers and I all you damn snowboarders are always broke so get your lazy punk ass out of here!!!"
The snowboarder sat down at the bar plotting revenge.
" Hey bartender! I bet you $50 that I can bite my left eye," Says the snowboarder.
" Yeah right, what kind of bet is that? That is impossible but I would like to see you try, your on!" says the bartender.
So the snowboarder takes out his
left glass eye, bites it and then puts it back in. The bartender in light of his own stupidity slams $50 on the counter and goes back to polishing shot glasses.
The snowboarder laughs a bit and then yells "Hey bartender! I bet you another $50 that I can bite my right eye!"
The bartender laughs and walks back over to the snowboarder and says, " there is no possible way that you can have two glass eyes! But if you want to lose that $50 then sure lets bet!"
The snowboarder smiles then takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye.
The bartender in utter anger once again slams $50 down on the table and storms off to polish his shot glasses.
The snowboarder smirks and calls the bartender again.
"Hey bartender! I bet you all of your money back that I can piss in one of your squeaky clean shot glasses and not miss a drop!"
The bartender walks back over and says "You have got to be kidding me! But I guess if I am not losing anything then go right ahead, piss away!"
The bartender slams down a newly polished shot glass and waits for the snowboarder to proceed. The snowboarder stands up on one of the bar stools and pisses all over the counter and the floor not even making one drop in the shot glass.
The bartender collects the $100 with a smile. He grabbed a rag and began cleaning up the mess "see I knew you couldn't do it! You damn snowboarders are all the same, thinking that you are so badass! Yeah you wish you had this hundred bucks dont ya! Ha ha!!" said the bartender.
The snowboarder just smiled and said " Oh, I knew that I couldn't piss in that shot glass either, I just wanted to see if I could piss all over your bar and see you wipe it up with a smile."

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:45 PM

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ...these are all Numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever!! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then we're stuck with you.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just spit it out!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops!! What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please!!!!!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like a Victoria's Secret model, don't expect us to act like a soap opera guy.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We'll refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, it's like the Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful!

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:46 PM

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:53 PM

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.*

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. *

Two words: Chicken suit.

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

Stop at the green lights. *

Go at the red ones. *

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware. *

Pass cars, then drive very slowly. *

Sing without having the radio on.

Honk frequently without motivation. *

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Ask people for Gray Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who's boss. *

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look. *

Restart your car at every stop light. *

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

Paint your car with occult symbols.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

Stop and collect road kill.

Stop and pray to road kill.

Throw Spam.

Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

(* = i've done it)

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:55 PM

1. Give the ticket seller person the talk about 10-10-321 and see if he/she is dumb enough to give it to you for a buck
2. Tell the loading people at the chair lift that we have a code red in the lodge and see what happens
3. Follow someone (preferably a skier) the whole day. Staying as close as possible to he/she and riding the chair lift behind them. if possible ride with them and when they eat order the same thing
4. Two words…. “marco polo”
5. When they scan your ticket at the chair lift look mesmerized and when it beeps say “wow… magic”
6. When riding the chair lift by yourself and someone else….tap them on the shoulder and pretend It wasn’t you
7. Pretend your a retard and ask them what their name is continuously with and occasional drooling and spiting.
8. When riding the chair lift with a skier mutter under your breath about how stupid and what bad style skiers have
9. Pretend like you got your tongue stuck to the chair lift and start screaming hysterically
10. Build a hermaferdited snow man in the middle of the run
11. When riding the chair lift with someone else…. Stare at them with a blank face then scream “YOUR ONE OF THEM” then scoot closer to the edge and if it’s close enough to the ground jump off screaming that human kind will over come
12. When ever you see a skier with his/her ski boots on shout “shoes untied“
13. While having your hands on your crotch…say “c’mon Mr. Happy don’t fall asleep on me now”
14. Challenge other people to duels of snow ball fights
15. Leave cryptic messages either on the lift or somewhere on the run
16. Walk up to a complete stranger and say “OMG I HAVEN”T SEEN YOU FOREVER ect. Ect.”
17. While walking by the Renting department….look at all the equipment and say loudly for all to hear “Who would rent this sh*t anyway.”
18. Play copy cat on the chair lift with the people
19. take bets on the Battle from above
20. Practice your Madonna look with the silver/plastic ware in the lodge
21.Build a two-foot snowman, and sit him on the lift next to you. Then, when he doesn't get off at the top, yell at the lift operator to stop the lift and let your friend off....

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:56 PM

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:57 PM

So Farmer Brown decides to go into town to get a new rooster, he drives into town, buys a new young rooster... brings him home, lets him out in front of the barn, and goes inside.
So the little rooster's sittin there, he's like, "This doesn't look like such a bad place, plenty of hens, a pretty nice barn... I like it."
So this old rooster comes up he's like "I know you're the new rooster, you're in charge now, but I wanna make you a deal you give me 3 hens, and a place to sleep in the barn, and i'll be happy, I wont try to take your other hens, or your space in the barn" young rooster says "nope, only one rooster per barn" "okay, just 2 hens and a place in the barn"
"nope, only one rooster per barn" "one hen and a place in the barn?" "nope, only one rooster per barn" "okay, okay, you win, you keep all the hens... All I want is a place to sleep in the barn" "nope, only one rooster per barn" "okay, I'll tell ya what, I'm pretty old here, you're young, so you can prolly take me, but I want to give this one last shot. Lets have a race, the first one around the barn is the king rooster, and gets all the hens and the barn" young rooster says "okay old man, I can take you, I'll even give you a 3 second head start" so the old rooster takes off runnin' the young rooster gives him the head start and takes off after him he's like "woah, that old guy is really movin" so he goes around the first corner, starts catching up. He's still like "man, he's movin pretty good" Goes around the second corner, starts catching up some more. 3rd corner, the old rooster is only about 2 feet in front of him young rooster's just about to catch up when *BLAM* Young rooster rolls over stone dead Farmer Brown yells "ETHEL, THAT'S THE 3RD GAY ROOSTER I'VE BOUGHT THIS WEEK!"

yamis

12-03-2004, 06:59 PM

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I f*cked a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:00 PM

A Dog Named "Sex"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:05 PM

64 Ways to Piss Off a Cop

1 - When you get pulled over, say, "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol."
2 - When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3 - When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4 - If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, "No. My
speedometer only goes up to ...."
5 - Touch him.
6 - When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7 - Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8 - Refer to him by his first name.
9 - Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10 - When he says no, cry.
11 - If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harrassment.
12 - If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13 - If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14 - When he asks you to spread 'em, tell him you don't go that way.
15 - When he puts on the handcuffs, say, "My dates usually buy me dinner first."
16 - Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, 'cause you don't like to get ink on your fingers.
17 - After you sign the ticket and give it back to him, say, "Oopps ! That's the wrong name."
18 - Bribe him with donuts and when he agrees, tell him, "Sorry, I just ate the last one."
19 - When he comes up to the car, say, "license and registration, please" right when he says it.
20 - When he starts to read you your rights, sing, "La, la, la, la, I
can't hear you !"
21 - Trip and fall into him.
22 - Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23 - Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. (you are using his pen)
24 - Chew on the pen, nervously.
25 - Clean your ear with the pen.
26 - If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27 - Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say, "I thought that
name sounded familiar...."
28 - Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was....
29 - Act like you're retarded.
30 - When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31 - Or mumble to yourself.
32 - When he tells you to stop, say, "What are you talkin' about, DUDE ?"
33 - Drive to Dunkin' Donuts and say, "Hmmmmm.... only five of you here tonight..."
34 - Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35 - When he comes to the car, say, "I have a badge just like that."
36 - Ask if he watches "COPS."
37 - Ask if he ever watched "Cop Rock."
38 - Giggle if he did.
39 - Talk to your hand.
40 - Ask him if he knows Rosy Palmer and her five favorite friends.
41 - Accuse him of sexual harrassment if he does.
42 - When he frisks you, grin and say, "You missed a spot..."
43 - When he asks to inspect your car, say, "There is no alcohol in my car, sir. The last cop took it."
44 - Try to sell him your car.
45 - Ask if you can buy his car.
46 - If he takes you to the station, ask to sit up front.
47 - Play with the siren.
48 - If you know him, tell him you had his wife for dinner.
49 - If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50 - Oopps.... I meant "OVER" for dinner.
51 - Ask if he ever had poon-tang.
52 - If he asks what that is, point at him and giggle.
53 - If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54 - When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him, and laugh.
55 - When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the screen.
56 - Turn your head and whistle.
57 - When he pulls out his night stick, ask, "What are you gonna do with that ?"
58 - If you are female, say, "I don't do that on the first date."
59 - If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner,
suck your thumb, and whine.
60 - Ask if you can see his gun.
61 - When he says it isn't allowed, tell him, "I just wanted to see if mine is bigger."
62 - Stare at his lights and say, "Look at the pretty colors."
63 - Tell him you like men in uniforms.
64 - Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:08 PM

Some One Liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army; travel to strange, exotic lands; meet interesting people; and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:09 PM

Deep Thoughts
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, will you still be hungry?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called "Tourist season" if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everybody just move ten miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all of the bad girls live.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:10 PM

How To Annoy Other People
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and cc: them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
don t use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk..
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood!
Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:13 PM

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? how did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play Pictionary over the phone often?

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind as a fucking bat!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:16 PM

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapiki maungahoronukupokaiwenuakita natahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. (That's because subliminally the configuration of the hands represents a smile.)

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:17 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE WHEN:
Your salary is less than your tuition.
Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00a.m. is not early.
You have to file for your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
"Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
"Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
You start watching the weather channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:19 PM

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A: Some dick cut her off.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: Why do women have 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it aside before you start eating.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams?
A: Hanson.
Q: What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?

Q: What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
A: Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

Q: What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

Q: What is the new O.J. web site address?
A: Slash.slash.backslash.escape

Q: What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What did the bannana say to the vibrator?
A: What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather...Kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-hung.

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One..Men will screw anything.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
A: No..but I've been slung around by the tits.

Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman.

Q: If there were 4 potatos in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO".

Q: Why don't blind people like to skydive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit-bull.

Q: What is the difference between a peeping-tom and a robber?
A: A robber snatches watches.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his coat and flashes them. Two have strokes...but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

Q: How do you castrate a redneck?
A: You kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard!

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:21 PM

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35" she replied.

"And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:24 PM

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an nterpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:25 PM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular "I guess we answered THAT question."

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:28 PM

Here are a few bumper stickers actually viewed by someone...
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like his passengers...."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a > vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS"

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:28 PM

Signs That You Are Too Drunk
--You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

--You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

--Job interferring with your drinking.

--Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

--Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.

--The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

--Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

--24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

--Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

--You can focus better with one eye closed.

--The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

--You fall off the floor...

--Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

--Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

--Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

--At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

--Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

--You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

--The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

--Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

--Roseanne looks good.

--Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

--Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

--I'm as jober as a sudge.

--You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

--The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:30 PM

The Perfect Day According To
HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30 Light breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM:

10:00 Wake up

10:02 Oral sex

10:10 Big Breakfast

11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters

2:15 Enormous lunch

3:15 Oral sex

3:25 Play sports with the guys

4:30 Drink beer with the guys

6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer

6:40 Oral sex

6:50 Huge dinner, more beer

11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex

11:10 Sleep

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says....

You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What's wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." =$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. ( It's that male perspectinve thing.)

The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:31 PM

Sayings to Live by
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is always one more SOB than you counted on.
3. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
4. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
5. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
6. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
7. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
8. The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.
9. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
10. Things are more like they are today then they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. This is probably as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
17. If you think there is good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.
18. All other things being equal, fat people use more soap.
19. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
20. One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
21. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends
22. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
23. If you never go off on a tangent, you are doomed to going in circles.
24.The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:33 PM

1. Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

2. Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,yes, Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:36 PM

Things To Keep In Mind

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:38 PM

While on routine patrol...
(I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.)

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner...
(He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN - DON'T FEED THE PIGS.")

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
(It was raining.)

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(It was too hot to ride in the car.)

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
(The dirtbag let go with an 'Oink' as I walked by.)

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(He puked on my uniform one night.)

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.
(I've got two theft cases hanging over his head.)

While being arrested, this subject resisted, being injured in the act.
(He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.)

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(I wrote him one citation for each swearword he used.)

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in," so this writer entered through the door.
(The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army, so I kicked in the door.)

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
(I sent them to a non-existent address, which I called the "Command Post.")

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
(She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.)

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
(I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)

Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions.
(Tonight is my bowling night.)

The motorist's eyes were glassy; he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of alcohol.
(He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
(My favorite song is "Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost of Life.")

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.)

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:38 PM

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:41 PM

/X \
_------_
/ \
| |
| |
| __ __)
| / \/ \
/\/\ (o )o )
/c \__/ --.
( )
\_ _-------'
| / \
| | '\_______)
| \_____)
|_____ |
|_____/\/\
/ \

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
*ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:44 PM

have you guys had enough of me yet?

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:45 PM

./ |
Amoeba vaulting a high fence

!
Amoeba with a bakers hat

,
Amoeba with a broken leg

*.
Amoeba with a flashlight

@.
Amoeba with a French Horn

(.)
Amoeba wearing antlers

.-
Amoeba with a rifle

?
Amoeba with an umbrella

.}
Amoeba with a bow and arrow

_._
Amoeba with flat feet

.
o=o
Amoeba skateboarding

..
Amoebas having a conversation

:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::
Amoebas in a parade

:
:
Amoeba balancing act

.?
Confused amoeba

.!
Shocked amoeba

o
Bodybuilding amoeba

O
Bodybuilding amoeba on steroids

.
Amoeba disguised as a period

.
Amoeba hiding behind a period

.
Period disguised as an amoeba

.<
Amoeba with a megaphone

_____
| . |
Amoeba goalkeeper

o.o
Amoeba with glasses

_
Squashed amoeba

.h
Amoeba hiding behind a chair

|
Amoeba which has been on the rack

-.-
-------------------
Amoeba on the high wire

o
o o
.
Amoeba juggling

&.
Amoeba with a party blower

.........
Amoebas in line for a movie

\./
Amoeba with chopsticks

"."
Amoeba with large eyebrows

.~
Amoeba with wig blowing away in the wind

^.^
Amoeba vampire bat

.(
Amoeba with a satellite dish

\/
. []
Amoeba watching TV

.>
Amoeba with a boomerang

.-.
Two amoebas carrying a log

.|
Amoeba tossing the caber

.-8
Windup amoeba

e.
Speaking amoeba

*
Amoeba octopus

.z
Sleeping amoeba

*.*
Amoeba with pom-poms!

yamis

12-03-2004, 07:47 PM

ok, i'll call it a day over here. i need to go other places.....

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:53 PM

:eek: Holy.............................................. .......................................

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:53 PM

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:55 PM

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:56 PM

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:57 PM

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:57 PM

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:58 PM

LOVE

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:59 PM

Yamis &

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 04:59 PM

Illvox2

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 05:00 PM

;) :p Wonder if i could catch up with you?

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 05:03 PM

Probably not.:)

sppower

12-04-2004, 05:20 PM

You guys better hope that this thread doesn't get deleted. :D

megs4ever

12-04-2004, 05:23 PM

No kidding.

yamis

12-04-2004, 08:28 PM

in all fairness, i only responded like that because i love a good challenge :D

besides, this thread should be kept as a joke thread, not a spam thread (though i think i may have combined the two into one horrible by-product)

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:04 PM

HEY!! HEY!! Time out. First of all, no chatting here. Next, jokes should be posted only by Illvox2, and THAT'S ME, NOT YAMIS!! :mad:
:D
Oh well, forget about it. Do what you want. But do know that I'll catch up someday.:p

And Sean, are you hoping that this thread is going to be deleted?:mad: JK:cool:

Awww, come on megs4ever. Give up already?

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:29 PM

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:34 PM

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:43 PM

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:45 PM

Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?

A: An air mattress.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:51 PM

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

illvox2

12-05-2004, 08:59 PM

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

illvox2

12-05-2004, 09:03 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 09:11 PM

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!

illvox2

12-05-2004, 09:14 PM

What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast and a blonde?

The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs!!

illvox2

12-05-2004, 09:19 PM

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No......"

illvox2

12-05-2004, 09:53 PM

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:15 PM

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:19 PM

Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?

A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:23 PM

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:24 PM

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:25 PM

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:27 PM

How does a blonde turn the light on after having sex.

She kicks the car door open.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:28 PM

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:30 PM

Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

A: They're both screwed on their back.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:32 PM

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:33 PM

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:35 PM

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.
''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''

''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:40 PM

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.
''Where have you been?'' asked the man.

''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:44 PM

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:46 PM

What is a blonde's mating call?

''NEXT!''

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:47 PM

How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

Blow in her ear.

illvox2

12-05-2004, 10:51 PM

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:12 AM

* What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

* What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

* How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

* What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

* How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:14 AM

* Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.

* What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

* What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

* How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:15 AM

* What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?
A B*g Mac.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

* What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

* How do you make a man pregnant?
Stick a dead baby up his ass!

* How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

* How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:15 AM

* What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

* What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?
You can't gargle gravel.

* What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch?
Phil.

* What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree?
One is legal to hit with an AX.

* What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:17 AM

* How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!

* How do you get them out again?
With tortilla chips!!!

* How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

* What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A baby shot through a snowblower.

* What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.

* Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:18 AM

* What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.

* Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead!

* What does a baby and a Pinto have in common?
They're fun to ride until they die.

* What's blue and bloated and floating in your beer?
A dead baby with fetal alcohol syndrome!

* What is better than a dead baby?
The revoked child-support.

* What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:18 AM

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

* What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.

* What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

* What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.

* Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?
I don't know why they didn't either.

* Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
So you can tell which ones are still alive

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:19 AM

* How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple?
You don't have to bleed the golden delicious apple before you take a bite out of it

* What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

* How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

* What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:20 AM

* What's worse than a having sex with a dead baby?
Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades.

* Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ?
To see the expression on it face!

* What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach?
Sandy.

* Why did the baby fall off the swing?
Because it had no arms or legs.

* What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:21 AM

* Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper

* What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

* How many dead babies can fit in a barrel?
4 1/2.

* What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

* What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.

* What do vegetarian ogres eat?
Cabbage patch kids.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:21 AM

* What's red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.

* What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?
Threesomes.

* What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker?
You don't get second looks when you're writing with a felt tip marker!

* What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

* What's the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby?
A watermelon floats.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:22 AM

* What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

* What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.

* What is the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dog in its mouth.

* How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

* What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

* What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:23 AM

* What's red and dances all around?
A baby on a barbecue

* What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

* How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine's Day?
You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a
bouquet of roses up his ass.

* What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ?
A Pedophiles ass.

* What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it

* What's the safest way to play with a baby ?
With a condom.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:24 AM

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

* What's the difference between a lamp and a dead baby?
It's really easy to turn on a lamp.

* What's small, and shiny, and blue?
A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

* What's small, and red, and full of holes?
A baby on a bed of nails.

* What do you call a baby on a stick?
A Kebabie.

* How do you get a baby out of a tree?
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:25 AM

* What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.

* What do you call a 30week-old preemie?
An Appetizer.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on your porch?
Matt.

* How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.

* What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.

* Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:25 AM

* What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A bus load of babies on fire.

* What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

* What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

* What wiggles spits and is covered in shit?
An inside out baby!

* When is the best time to bury that baby you killed?
When it starts talking to you again.

* What's pink and chunky?
A baby with leprosy.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:26 AM

* What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

* Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.

* What's grosser than gross?
A garbage can full of dead babies.

* What's grosser than that?
The one at the bottom is still alive.

* What's grosser than that?
He has to eat his way to freedom.

* What's grosser than that?
He goes back for more.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:27 AM

* What happens when you burn baby's face off?
It makes weird noises and crawls into walls.

* What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.

* What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children's playground!

* What does a bum call a dead baby in a dumpster?
A Freeloader.

* What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?
One live one in the middle is eating its way out.

* What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:28 AM

* What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.

* Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

* How do you get a baby to run faster?
Chase it with the lawn mower.

* What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

* What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

* What's pink and spits?
A baby in a frying pan.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:28 AM

* What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.

* How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

* What's the best sound in the world?
Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure!

* What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?
Sticking pins in their eyes.

* What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.

* How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:29 AM

* If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is
around to hear it, is it still hilarious?

* What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

* What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a baggie.

* What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape?
The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun

* What's sicker than driving over a baby?
Skidding.

* How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:30 AM

* What do you call a dead baby with its skin peeled off?
Sexy.

* What's the worst thing about fucking a dead baby?
Wiping the blood stains off of your clown suit!

* How do you spoil a baby?
Leave it out in the sun.

* Why did the toddler drop it's lollipop?
It was hit by a truck.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
You can't fuck a table.

* What's bright blue, pink, and sizzles?
A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.

illvox2

12-06-2004, 01:49 AM

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

illvox2

12-06-2004, 01:51 AM

A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!

HUH?! Anybody can explain this one to me?

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:55 AM

The Stupidest Things President George W. Bush Has Ever Said
10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you.Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip)

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

3) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:56 AM

Top Ten Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List

10. Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.
9. Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad."
8. Send message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box."
7. Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies."
6. Keep distance from Cheney...don't want to catch heart disease.
5. Start mending fences with Democrats...appoint Gore "Secretary of Losers."
4. Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.
3. Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: "I have a dream...then I wake up."
2. As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.
1. Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.

illvox2

12-06-2004, 01:57 AM

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:57 AM

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ... Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." -Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless." -Bill Maher

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." -Conan O'Brien

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole." -Jon Stewart

"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that while President Bush is monitoring the situation in Iraq, he is leaving the day-to-day decision making to the military experts. First they kick Geraldo out, then we rescued that female soldier, now we find out Bush isn't making the decisions. No wonder the stock market went up today." -Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob." -Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." -Jay Leno

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida." -Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." -David Letterman

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" -Craig Kilborn

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." -Jay Leno

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" -Jay Leno

illvox2

12-06-2004, 01:59 AM

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

yamis

12-06-2004, 01:59 AM

How many George Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?
2 , 1 to change it and 1 to lethally inject the old lightbulb.

Why does George W. Bush keep his fly open?
A: In case he has to count to eleven.
So why doesn't he just use his toes?
A: Because going barefoot in public would be embarrassing.

A club in New York has designated every Tuesday night until the election "Bush Jr. Night." You get in free if your parents call and make your reservation.

Q: What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? A: Second grade.

Bush's original idea for a campaign slogan - "Reform 'N Stuff."

George W. Bush said he is going to run his own campaign and be his own man. The amazing thing is he said this while his father was drinking a glass of water.

A touching father and son moment:
BUSH Sr.: Read my nose: no new taxes.
BUSH Jr: Er ..... Isn't that's meant to be "Read my lips."
BUSH Sr.: No, Son. If they watch my lips, they'll see that I'm lying through my teeth. Read my nose, no new taxes.

What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
A George W. Bush watch.

How can you tell George W. Bush apart from a cow? By the wise look in its eyes.

(Warning, the following was actually a Dan Quayle quote, but why think up new Bush material when we can just recycle all the Quayle stuff) "Julian Bond, speaking at a Big Eight Conference on Black Student Government at the University of Colorado Feb 18 had this to say about George W. Bush: 'He thinks Roe v. Wade are options for crossing the Potomac.'"

What's the difference George Bush and a chimpanzee? One has nearly the mental abilities of a human child and the other likes to eat bananas.

George Bush on his upbringing- "Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished." (not a real quote)

Top 5 Bush Pickup lines in college :
5. "Is that a false nose?"
4. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
3. "I'm drunk."
2. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
1. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that."

Pat Buchanan, Newt Gingrich, & George W. Bush are in a boat in the middle of the ocean. The boat is sinking. Who gets saved? The American People!

What is a Bush supporter? What the governor wears under his swimming trunks.

A Bush foreign policy idea designed to win over minority voters - Appoint a black man as ambassador to the Bermuda Triangle.

Why will they bury George W. Bush face down? So he can see where he is going.

How many George Bushs does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.

How can you tell if George W. Bush is lying? His lips are moving.

How many Bush supporters does it take to change a light bulb? Six, one to turn the bulb and five to create a related tax loophole for the rich .

What happens when you cross James Dean with George Bush? You get a rebel without a clue.

Seen on a rest room wall in Houston: If you voted for George Bush, you can't shit here...your asshole is in Austin.

George Bush Jr.
Georgy Porgy pudding and pie, Took cocaine which made him high, When the sheriff came his way, Georgy's pa sent him away.
Georgy Porgy wasn't daft, Wanted to avoid the draft, He found being a coward not too hard, Daddy's friends got him into the guard.
Georgy Porgy businessman With daddy's money his career began, When the seed money all dried up, Georgy's business went belly up.
Georgy Porgy governor guy Brought the crime rate up so high, And that was not his only solution, Texas is number one on pollution.
Georgy Porgy for President, Does not know where the money all went. But if he has to fight Al Gore, His daddy's friends will get him more.
Georgy Porgy's a true Texan, Though he may fail again and again, As long as his father has wealthy friends, He'll do to us, what he did to them.

Why is George Bush so hard-headed? His skull protects the weakest part of his body.

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:00 AM

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

yamis

12-06-2004, 02:01 AM

Top 11 reasons to be patient and count every vote.

11. The inauguration is seven weeks away, we can count as slowly as we want.

10. States other than Ohio haven't been called.

9. Rove's plan is always to create the impression that Dubya has already won.

8. It was the lesson of Florida.

7. We insisted on it in Afghanistan.

6. Some people stood in line for 15 hours to cast a ballot.

5. Black Box voting machines may not have a paper trail, but they do have logs.

4. John Kerry served two tours of duty to protect your franchise.

3. It will delay the departure of more young people to Iraq.

2. Not to would make it even easier not to count them next time.

1. It is, technically, the way elections are done.

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:02 AM

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

yamis

12-06-2004, 02:03 AM

ok, i got to 1500. im done, thats all youllbe hearing from me on this site.

farewell everyone, tell me how the movie comes out.

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:03 AM

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me two beers."
The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:08 AM

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, ''Sorry sir, we don't serve food here!!''

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:12 AM

Originally posted by yamis
ok, i got to 1500. im done, thats all youllbe hearing from me on this site.

farewell everyone, tell me how the movie comes out. What the slag??! I need challenge man... Where are you headin'?

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:18 AM

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:21 AM

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:31 AM

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

illvox2

12-06-2004, 02:32 AM

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

illvox2

12-06-2004, 08:48 PM

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

illvox2

12-06-2004, 08:52 PM

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

illvox2

12-06-2004, 08:56 PM

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

illvox2

12-06-2004, 09:00 PM

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''

illvox2

12-06-2004, 09:07 PM

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

illvox2

12-06-2004, 09:24 PM

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

illvox2

12-06-2004, 09:29 PM

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:04 AM

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:06 AM

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".

When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:07 AM

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:10 AM

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:13 AM

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

First Runner Up Award goes to ...

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:16 AM

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.

His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995

Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:18 AM

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:24 AM

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

illvox2

12-07-2004, 04:26 AM

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Sephitron

12-07-2004, 11:05 PM

Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo Gamecube is the best fighting game ever. There. I said it.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:09 PM

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:09 PM

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:12 PM

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:16 PM

How things would be different if Microsoft were headquartered in Georgia:

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"

4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos

5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse

6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achey-Breaky Heart

7. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

9. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"

10. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse

11. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard

12. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator

13. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:19 PM

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:22 PM

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:28 PM

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:34 PM

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:42 PM

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:47 PM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 07:57 PM

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:03 PM

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:06 PM

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:13 PM

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:15 PM

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:16 PM

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:17 PM

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug Warning: Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:18 PM

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

illvox2

12-08-2004, 08:20 PM

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

yamis

12-09-2004, 05:25 PM

i'm back, if only for a little bit. finals are fuun....

Two Jews walk into a bar. One turns to the other and say, "Hey, hear the one about us?"

yamis

12-09-2004, 05:26 PM

The Ugly Bus

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief
they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".

yamis

12-09-2004, 05:33 PM

George Carlin Quotes
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

yamis

12-09-2004, 05:42 PM

I feel bad for gay homeless people. They have no closet to come out of.

If you know a homosexual who's in a coma, you could comfort his family by saying, he was a fruit now hes a vegetable, at least he's still in produce.

With all the presidential administrations we've had, I'm sure that by now there must have been at least one person who, besides being in the cabinet, was also in the closet.

If you want to keep your dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a few times a week.

I'm not an organ doner, but I once gave a piano to the Salvation Army.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and occasionally peck someone's eye out.

When you step on your brakes, your life is in your foot's hand

I think what the authorities need is a SQUAT team. It's be a squad of heavily armed police break into the house and take a shit in the living room.

The Jews are smart; they don't have a Hell

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half you don't get two half-crumbs. Doen't that violate some law of physics?

A pear is a failed apple.

Commercials use sex to sell things. Why can't they use violence and bad language? Not all families are as "functional" as the ones they show you on tv.
Mom: Eat your fuckin' cornflakes, ya cocksucker!
Son: Fuck you Ma.
Mom: Why you little creep!
SLAM! SMACK! POW!
Dad: Here son try this. its new from kellogs.
Son: Holy shit, rasins!
Mom: Hey asshole! What're ya tryin' to do, spoil the kid?
Dad: Listen cunt, I'm tired of your meddlin'!
BLAM! POW! CRACK!
Son: Hey Dad, after you get finished punchin' Mom, gimme some more of that shit with the rasins it it, will ya?

I had an interesting morning; I got into a arguement with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard "Snap, crackle, fuck him!" I'm not sure which one of them said it; I was reaching for the artificial sweetner at the time and not looking directly into the bowl. But I heard it and I said, "Well, you can all just sit there in the milk as far as I'm concerned until I find out which one of you said that;" Mass punishment. The idea is to turn them against one another
Silly me. Big punishment. Thats what Rice Krispies do. Sit in the milk. Thats their job. You've seen them. Delicate, beige blisters of air, floating proudly in milk. And you can't sink them. They refuse to sink. The navy ought to use Rice Krispies in life preservers. Thats where they're really needed.
And do you know how Rice Krispies manage to float for such a long time? By clinging to one another; they buddy up. They gather in little groups of 8, 10, or sometimes 12, or 14, but, if you notice, its always an even number. Thats because the electromagnetic polarity of the Krispies attracts them to one another. It binds them in pairs, like subatomic particles. They form little colonies, and you can't sink them, not even with a spoon. They just come bobbing up over the sides of the spoon, laughing at you and reveling in thier buoyancy. Hard to sink.
Thats what the fruit is for. Not for added taste; not for nutrition;it's for sinking Rice Krispies. Believe me, a good-sized peach can take out 80 or 90 of the little buggers.
And i Have absolutly no mercy. If I'm really pissed, I'll drop a watermelon on them. That"ll teach them to sass me at breakfast.

yamis

12-09-2004, 05:45 PM

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

yamis

12-09-2004, 05:47 PM

The true author of the piece is Dr. Bob Moorehead, former pastor of Seattle's Overlake Christian Church. (He retired in 1998). The essay appeared under the title "The Paradox of Our Age" in Words Aptly Spoken, Dr. Moorehead's 1995 collection of prayers, homilies, and monologues used in his sermons and radio broadcasts:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all, mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Finny

12-09-2004, 09:13 PM

President George W. Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a "tragedy'."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an 'accident'

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
'tragedy'."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would
call a 'great loss'."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy'?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One, carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"

Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great
loss' and it probably wouldn't be a fucking 'accident' either."

shadex

12-10-2004, 09:41 AM

what's all this about ??????:(

yamis

12-10-2004, 06:08 PM

its a spamwar/jokes thread. illvox got mad at my 150 posts in 2 days, so he had to create a thread to try to counteract it. have a little fun with it!

yamis

12-10-2004, 06:11 PM

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofè.

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing...

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets...

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money...

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign...

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

Costello: What's on base?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third.

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher's name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher's name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's different.

Costello: That's what I said.

Abbott: You're not saying it...

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's what I said!

Abbott: You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.